WHY I AM GRATEFULFOR MY STRUGGLES

Being a human on this planet isn't easy. Everyone has experienced their version of pain, struggles, blocks, traumas, and breakdowns. I haven't had an easy ride. I've shared parts of my story with you and I always want to share as much as I can. The story I'm most free to share is my personal one because it's mine and I have learned to own it. I've shared my struggles with anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I've shared a bit about how I got through that time and how I stay well today. At the height of that struggle in 2014, I could've never imagined moving to London on my own and doing the things I've done. That was when I first tried meditation. When I closed my eyes for my daily one minute meditation (yes, that's how I started, can you believe it?) I could see a spark of the person I am today. Without being aware of what I was doing, I was visualizing myself happy, healthy, full of energy, and doing everything I ever wanted to do. 

This was the start of everything that I attribute my happiness to today. But it didn't start pretty. Today I want to share how facing obstacles has led me to inner peace and more happiness than I could imagine. 

The obstacles 

I wasn't always a positive person. In high school and college, I struggled a lot and cynicism became part of my personality. I was bitter about my circumstances. I had a lot of anger. I'd bottle up everything and explode unexpectedly. I'd drink, party, and date mean boys to feel better. I'd put pounds of makeup and clothes on everyday just to feel beautiful. I had a challenging home life and lost someone close to me. The ability to see anything positive in the obstacles I faced was a far stretch. A yellow brick road, you could say. 

The breaking point 

My breaking point was the time I had my first anxiety attack and first suicidal thought. I've shared the full story before but essentially I was at home and my heart started to race, my body felt really hot, and even though I didn't want to die, I felt a compulsion to jump off my balcony. Instead of following my thoughts, I picked up the phone and called my sister and then my parents, anyone who would pick up and listen. They came over and it took hours before I would calm down. Something inside me knew I had to reach out, sit with this feeling, and unpack what was going on. 

The uphill 

Healing from my days of severe anxiety and panic attacks took years. I learned to be open with my feelings with the people I trust. I did talk therapy and unpacked years of trauma and fear. I learned to take care of my body. I learned boundaries. And most of all, I found Kundalini Yoga. 

The solutions 

If I didn't have these huge challenges, I wouldn't have been in search of solutions. And within the solutions, I have not only healed my brain and body, I've discovered my dreams. My 'solutions' were not only helpful during the hard times, they've become part of my new way of living. This is why I have gratitude for the obstacles I've faced. If the need for something bigger and better than what I was feeling wasn't there, I don't know if I would've found it. Obstacles are not only life's greatest teachers, they remind us of our inner strength. There's something in all of us that wants to not only survive but thrive and go beyond. 

The cave I meditated in during my trip to Mallorca.

The spirit 

Yogi Bhajan, the Kundalini yoga master who brought this yoga to the West in 1969, says The question is, Are you spiritual or are you not? The truth is you are. The reality is you don’t believe it. I've always known I was a spiritual person but I never connected to it through religion and didn't know there was another way to do this. Kundalini Yoga is the way I've personally been able to practice spirituality on a daily basis. It's taught me what it means to be a spiritual being and I'm now able to bring this spirituality into my daily life. 

The humbling

I just spent a weekend on the island of Mallorca with Guru Jagat, a Kundalini Yoga master. During one of the classes, she said There is nothing more humbling than the human experience. My obstacles have kept me humble. They've taught me about compassion and empathy. I recognize that I'm very privileged, abundant, and blessed to be here and living in this time. I always try to treat everybody the same. I don't care if you're the CEO of the company I work for, I'll treat you with the same respect as the person who replenishes our tea baskets. Yoga has helped me truly feel and embody the fact that we're all one in the same. 

The not-so-easy ride

When I see my obstacles as teachers, as something that pushes me to go beyond myself and discover people, places, and things that enrich my life, I can make peace with them. I've also made peace with the fact that I can't make peace with some of the struggles I've had. Some of my experiences really broke me down and I wish I hadn't gone through them. But when I can see the positives in the outcomes of what I learned or felt that has helped me be a better friend or colleague, it helps me move on. 

The story 

I used to resonate with the phrase It's never too late to re-write your story but now I slightly disagree. I feel like it makes me feel ashamed of my past experiences moreso than it makes me feel hopeful of the future. I do agree it's never too late to make change but I've learned to see my story as something that has shaped my character and for that, I'm grateful. That being said, I'm ready to detach from said story. When I repeat the same stories over and over, I start to identify with them and it becomes part of my personal identity. I'm learning to detach my experiences from who I am because they're not one in the same. I used to relate so much to my childhood traumas and this translated into a victim mentality or almost a competition of judging people who haven't 'been through the same shit'. Everyone has been through something and I'll never know the full extent of that. This is why I try to treat everyone with the same respect and kindness.

The purpose

I'm a chronic over-thinker and I spend a lot of time in the 'What is my purpose' department of my brain. The answer to the question that I so often ask is that my purpose — and all of our purpose — is to live this human experience. To go through the obstacles. To be alive and present, here and now. To live and inspire. To share and create. This is it. 

Out of my head

One way I'm learning to get out of my head is to get into my body and my environment. Being in Mallorca was a sensory-overload in the best possible way. The warm humid air, the orange trees, the sea, the sun, and the people. These elements made it near impossible for me to chill for very long in my own mind. They're a reminder that there's so much more than me and nature helps me focus on something way bigger than myself. Regardless of what I've been through and what topic my brain wants to replay over and over, there is so much beauty happening all around me. Not just in Mallorca, but anywhere I go. 

Gratitude

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to travel. Visiting new places is opening my eyes and widening my lens to new cultures and environments. It's strengthening my trust in myself and also my reliance on all the wellness solutions I've discovered through facing obstacles. I've never needed and practiced yoga so much. I've never been so proactive in reaching out for help. I've never felt so alive and well. 

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MY COMPLICATEDRELATIONSHIP WITHLEISURE

Leisure/relaxation/free time 

My concept of leisure and relaxation has — at some point — attached itself to feelings of guilt, unworthiness, and selfishness. We're living in a time of doing, not being. Of getting things done but not necessarily enjoying the process. From wishing for the weekend only to spend the weekend working on our personal to-do lists; fixing up our living spaces, taking care of personal admin, and Marie Kondo-ing our t-shirt drawers. I could go on. 

While these guilty feelings towards leisure can be partially blamed on societal influence, I believe we can re-define this concept for ourselves in a way that aligns with our lives. I myself have had a complicated relationship with leisure. Years ago, I was the chronically busy over-achiever. This led me to an inevitable burnt out and I became anxiety-ridden and eventually struggled to even leave the house. I became dependent on relaxation for survival. This was a much needed wake up call and led me to discover many relaxation techniques. I started to value leisure as a productive activity. I then overly-embraced and, to be honest, ~preached~ wellness and relaxation techniques. 

I eventually learned that while my well-intentioned advice works for me, it may not be for everyone. This led to a phase of focusing too much on what I perceived were "wellness activities" and forgetting about the fun things I loved doing that weren't directly impacting my "wellbeing". It was almost like I couldn't enjoy activities that weren't aimed at my wellness. Sometimes staying up late to have a few drinks with friends is what I need. Sometimes spending three hours in a thrift store is what I need. I've learned that leisure doesn't always look like yoga, meditation, and staying inside all the time. 

This leads me to the present. I now feel like I've reached a happy medium where I know what relaxation means for me personally and that it isn't a waste of time — nor is it something I have to be doing at all times to stay well. 

Since moving to London, I've been making time for weekends away and booking my travels around things I have always wanted to do. I did all the right things for my recent weekend away in Bath, UK. King size bed — check! Spa booked — check! No other plans/time to just 'be' — check! 

While this weekend away gave me much needed time and space from the city and the spa was truly rejuvenating, I couldn't help but feel a thread of guilt woven into my weekend. Guilt around treating myself, feeling not worthy, guilty for taking time off work, and and guilty for investing time and money into something that could've gone towards something more productive like paying off debt. 

Before these guilt trips had the chance to full absorb my weekend, a book — of all things — changed my mindset.

If you know me, you'll know I'm not a big reader. Since moving to London and spending a significant time on public transport, I've started reading to pass the time. While in Bath, I stumbled into a bookstore in search of new reading material for the train back.  A series of small neatly packed books caught my eye.  One in particular, On the shortness of life; Life is long if know how to use it by Seneca caught my eye. I've been curious lately about slowing time and experiencing the truth of what it means to be alive. Written in 49 AD, I am surprised by how relevant this book is. Seneca is leisure's biggest cheerleader. 

For as soon as their preoccupations fail them, they are restless with nothing to do, not knowing how to dispose or their leisure of make the time pass. And so they are anxious for something else to do, and all the intervening time is wearisome: really, it is just as when a gladiatorial show has been announced, or they are looking forward to the appointed time of some other exhibition or amusement — they want to leap over the days in between. (Seneca)

PHOTOGRAPHY // IZZY MANUEL

I think everyone can relate to the feeling of wishing it was the weekend or counting down the days until the next vacation. Seneca views time — specifically, our personal time — as something of enormous value. We give our time so freely to work, other people, chores and activities that we don't enjoy. He applauds the enjoyment of being with ourselves and doing things purely for our pleasure: 

You are winning affection in a job which it is hard to avoid ill-will; but believe me it is better to understand the balance-sheet of ones own life than of the corn trade. (Seneca) 

This is not to say that we should all just quit our jobs and live a life of leisure — this simply isn't possible for the majority of people. Being someone who derives a lot of purpose and meaning from my job, I wouldn't do this anyway. I do think we could slow time by valuing our personal time more, by making time to enjoy leisure, and time to embrace and respect the art of living. Starting this book on the train ride back helped dissolve some of the guilty feelings and allowed me to take a step back to reflect on my previously complicated relationship with leisure. It feels good to reflect and pat my self on the back for how far I've come. 

As I've shared in my last post, I've been trying to slow things down. I've already been taking the time to walk a little slower and more mindfully, to not set time limits on activities, and to prioritize my wellbeing above everything else, however that looks for me. I think one of my greatest fears is that life will slip by me and I won't remember what happened because I was moving too fast. I want my life to be lived in the slow moments and the spaces in between. 

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Wellness Warriors: Winter Woes

I first met Kelly in 2012 at a blogger's brunch before going to my first ever Ottawa Vintage Clothing Show. We sat beside each other. We chatted. And from that moment until basically now, we remained online buddies. I've watched her journey of embracing her passions through her ever changing blog and life. In the past year or so, she really caught my attention with her posts about self care, anxiety, nutrition and overall health. 

If you're a frequent reader, you'll know my passion for self care. The more I read Kelly's blog and as she appeared in my social media feeds, the more I felt drawn to her. Her posts are helpful and relatable and many have to do with taking good care of yourself. With our shared interests, I felt like we could make something really cool together. That we did! And this right here is what was born of our chatty coffee date. 

I first read Wellness Warriors on one of Kelly's Facebook posts. 

A-ha! 

I loved it so much. It made me so happy. I felt like Yes! THAT is me. That is Kelly. That is so many people!

So many of us are fighting everyday for wellness. For ourselves. For others. And we truly are warriors. I resonated so much with these two words that we decided to call our collaboration Wellness Warriors. And it's not just for Kelly and I. We are Wellness Warriors. And so are you. We all are, really. 

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Shine Bright

First post of 2016.

I've been feeling really good these past few weeks. A bit invincible but maybe just more like myself. I've been on a journey of doing what I love and following my heart. I've been making space in my mind to let my inner light shine. In other words, I've been 'taking out the trash' in my mind and making room for my truest self to come through. This will help me become my greatest version. After all, this is why I'm here. To be the best me. 

I'm starting this year on a deeper note because I want to connect with you on a more personal level. Of course, my posts will always be fashion inspired, but I wanted to make the writing portion of my posts more real. Less talk about what I'm wearing and the weather. 

I'm too excited for what this year will bring. I haven't set any resolutions in stone because I'm going to continue to listen to what my heart says and embrace it all - the good, the magical, the messy, and the sometimes uncomfortable. I trust in my most authentic self.  

This month, I'm beginning a self mastery course (Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training) for the next six months. I'm doing this for me. To strengthen my yoga practice and better my relationship with myself. I also want to share what I learn in hopes that it will help others like it has helped me. Let's just say I don't know how I functioned before knowing what Kundalini yoga is. 

I wish you love and happiness and light in 2016, and always. 

Hello head-to-toe Value Village!

PHOTOS BY AURELIA

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Furry Clementine

I've welcomed 2014 with open arms. I know I'm not the only one who was extremely tested in 2013. While it was my hardest year, it was my most life-changing. I began my career, moved out on my own, I lost my dear grandmother, and the year ended with chronic tension headaches. It wasn't easy but I learned a lot about life and about myself. 
In the past two months, I've learned what chronic pain and anxiety feels like. I began getting headaches everyday since November and after trying medication, seeing multiple doctors, visiting the emergency and still feeling the same, I developed a strong interest in wellness. My personal wellness journey began when I realized my overall health wasn't in the hands of doctors or medications but my own. I made a lot of lifestyle changes including stopped drinking coffee and consuming caffeine, eating healthier, drinking more water and tea, practising meditation and yoga, writing in a journal, quit jobs that were causing additional stress, confiding in friends and family, exercising a couple times a week, and finally learning to relax. My life for the past three years has been amazing but one thing I forgot to do was relax. Come to think of it, I simply didn't. I had to be doing something at all times. And I know some of you reading this are the same way. From me to you, please sit down, breathe and relax once a day. 
I was diagnosed with tension headaches during my day at emergency. When I inevitably googled the condition, I learned that they were mainly caused by stress, muscle tension, and "taking on two many activities". Yup, sounds like me. I knew right then that my body was speaking (rather screaming) to slow down. And slow down I did. My anxiety is now under control and my headaches have significantly reduced to about one a day (trust me, that's improvement). I know it will take more time to become headache-free but I'm very confident I will get there. 
I'd love to share in detail my coping mechanisms and how I've gotten to reduce my anxiety, change my thoughts, and hence fix my health. And I welcome your tips too, of course. This may sound cheesy but trust me when I say that you are in control of your own life and you deserve health and happiness. Don't let pain, suffering, or judgement tell you otherwise. Don't be afraid to ask for help and believe in your potential, because it's huge. 
Here's an outfit post (one I wore to work this week). Enjoy! 

Dress: Gap, Rikochet Resale $25. Vest: Winners, $25. Bolo tie: Value Village, $3. Boots: Charlotte Russe, Rikochet Resale $18.  Glasses: Kenzo. 

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