SURRENDER

I like to have a plan. 

To some degree, we all do. Humans are change and risk averse. As much as I have faith in the universe and the journey that life is taking me on, I still struggle with believing everything will work out. 

My need to control everything around me has backfired many times. The more in-control I try to be, the less I actually control. Because change is the only constant in life, I’m learning that control itself is an illusion. How could I possibly have control when there is a circus dancing around me? 

I mentioned in my last post that I am heading into a summer of uncertainties that will have a big effect on my life. This alone has made me feel out of control — as there are so many factors that are literally outside my command centre. Add on top of that a global health pandemic and economic uncertainty abound, I put my hands up. 

Even this photoshoot had a 'plan'. My idea was to choose a word for 2020 and dress accordingly. When my friend Sabina of Vita and Moda took these photos — many weeks before social distancing was a thing — I thought my word was freedom. I wanted to look and feel more vulnerable than I typically do — hence the sheer dress. I think more than anything I want to feel free. And the more I thought about this word, the more it felt done to me. I realized I am free. I set myself free. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: SABINA 

It wasn’t until this week — which brought more and more hints at the overbearing uncertainty of my life — that I had to sit down and do some emotional healing and soul searching. It was during my meditation and crying sesh that the word surrender came to me. At first, my natural tendency to control kicked in. And then reality (and the fact that too many things are now out of my control) kicked in. And then I dropped my walls. The ones that were so narrowly caving in on me day by day. I felt a sense of relief.

There is a space between action and reaction. I realize that what I can choose is how I react to where life brings me. It is in this space that I found healing and light. Openness and faith. When I surrender my need to control everything, I am giving leverage to my higher self. That part of me that acts out of love over fear and supports my utmost biggest dreams. 

I can’t control everything. I can’t decide exactly what my life will look like. If the current circumstances have taught me anything, it is that I can and must live presently and take small actions each day to move in the direction I want — a direction towards living and loving bigger than ever before. I can have faith. I can trust that as long as I live in a way that feeds my soul, I will always be in the ‘right’ place. 

What helps me is to know that there is a bigger plan, a higher purpose, for me and for all of us. When I turn my focus to something beyond little old me, I feel connected to the wider world and humanity. 

I’ve learned that I need to love myself more than anyone else. It is through self-love that I can feel strong enough within myself to let everything else go. I can relinquish control. I can be my own queen and sit on my throne. And it’s my throne. It’s the front seat of the rollercoaster of my life.

I’m buckled up and I won’t look back.

Have a poem:

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GETTING REALWITH MYSELF

In this week’s edition of ‘What is my purpose?’: I’ve been confronting a lot of big picture life stuff. I have some big decisions to make this summer. Some are out of my control (hello expiring Visa) and some aren’t. Regardless of what happens with that, I am reaching a point where I’ve taken a huge leap of faith, I’ve given myself time and space to get to know myself, and now I am beginning to make sense of this new found knowledge. 

I’ve gotten real with myself. I’ve become more honest. I’m living my life the way I want to. In the process, I’m learning what I will tolerate and won’t — and how to communicate that. I’m learning that being direct with people in a way that is truthful and kind doesn’t take away from the warm and gentle person I aspire to be. It doesn’t take away from me being loving and compassionate. It doesn’t take away anything and actually gives me peace and more space in my heart to be able to love in a bigger way.

For so much of my life, I lived it for everyone else. Take my first relationship for example, where I was so desperate for love and attention that I sacrificed my happiness, my friendships, my time and dignity just to feel loved. I lied to him, to everyone around me, and most of all to myself. I wasn’t honest about what I wanted because frankly, I didn’t feel worthy of it. I could barely even close my eyes and dream of what I truly wanted because it was so blurred. My self-worth was so low that I couldn’t see a life where I was in a happy, healthy relationship, let alone living the dreams I couldn’t even picture at the time.

I’ve always believed there’s no such thing as bad people or anyone that intentionally wants to harm other people. We all approach life from our own frame of reference and everyone carries some form of conditioning, trauma, fears, and self-doubt that collides with other people’s conditioning, trauma, fears and self-doubt.

My trusting nature truly comes from a place of optimism and love — of knowing that deep down, everyone is born into this world with a loving heart. I still believe this. But, I’ve also been hurt enough times by people to know that we are also human — with a spectrum of emotions and animalistic tendencies. Straight up: we make mistakes. I do too.

I’ve been reflecting lately on how I’ve changed in the past year and a half. One of the major changes is that I’ve become a more honest and direct person. Moving to a city like London alone has definitely caused me to alter this way of thinking. It was the only way I’d survive.

I’m learning to accept that I can be direct and voice my opinion with people, set boundaries, and be honest, and I can still believe in our inherent good nature. Everyone deserves the opportunity to start with a blank slate to build a foundation of trust upon. And trusting people doesn’t make me gullible just as much as being direct and setting clear boundaries doesn’t make me a mean person.

The general theme of my life right now has fluctuated between getting real with myself and others, asking for and working hard for what I want to achieve professionally and personally, still dealing with feelings of guilt around all of the above, and just trying to survive the day to day. Things like managing getting to work clothed, bathed, with snacks, and navigating my commute, balancing after work activities, working on my goals and personal to-do lists, my finances and paying bills on time, keeping in contact with my friends and family in Canada, growing my friendships here in London, as well as dating and looking for a relationship. When I write it out like this, I now realize why I am always tired. And why I have graduated from drinking coffee for fun to drinking coffee to wake up. *insert sweat bead emoji*

I’m not alone — we all have a lot going on. But I’m enjoying myself. I genuinely love my life. I’m not perfect. I fall more times than my social media would ever admit. And on this honesty journey, I want to begin sharing more of that person — the everyday lady just trying to juggle all the balls. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: LEANNE DIXON 

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YOU DON'T NEEDTO DO IT ALL

PHOTOGRAPHY: LEANNE DIXON

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The magic of twin-ship

I’ve been sitting on posting these photos for seven months now. Mostly because I couldn't find the words to describe this lady right here and the bond we share. For those who know, you know who this is. Everyone else: Meet my (fraternal) twin sister, Lisa! When she came to visit me in London last June, I forced nudged her to do a photoshoot with me. And this is what we came out with. 

Being twins, we have so many photos together as babies and kids, but we actually don’t have that many together as adults. Before I moved, she was my primary blog photographer and spent most of the time behind the camera. I’m so happy she was willing to be on the other side this time around. Photoshoots can be scary but like most things in life, Lisa will do them if I prove that I didn’t die doing it first. This one we faced together. 

This wasn’t a regular photoshoot and these aren’t just photos. To me, they evoke emotions — ones we proudly show on our faces — and not just the calm and happy ones. They tell a story of our twinness and the many ways we co-exist in the world. From the cuddly to the sassy, to the unbreakable hand-holding and the pretending to be civilized outside a café photo, I hope you get a sense of what we’re truly like, not just through my words, but through the images too. 

This visit was incredibly special to me. Lisa is the most important person in my life; She’s my best friend and partner for life. If there was a geographical equivalent to the love I have for Lisa, London would be it. Spending time with the person I love most in the city I love the most was, well, a love explosion, if you will.

The lovefest lasted until the moment I had to unhinge my arms from her waist at the airport departures gate. Being a twin is not easy. On the one hand, Lisa and I (I’ll refer to us as “we” moving forward) get to experience a rare bond that only 3.3 per cent of people do. Being a twin is vastly different from having sisters or brothers, and lightyears different from being an only child. Only twins truly understand the bond we have, although not all twins remain close throughout their lifetime.

We’re in the ‘close forever’ box

We have had the immense pleasure and joy of being very close since babies. The love, friendship, and twin-ship (if you will) that we have is unparalleled to anything I’ve ever experienced. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I can always rely on her just the same. There’s been a lot of research done on twins. We’ve learned that twins bond to each other in the way non-twin children bond to their parents. So, when twins separate, they feel the same difficulties that non-twin children feel when they move out of their parents’ home. 

Twins living in different cities

We’ve not lived in the same city for two years now. When we first moved away from each other (Lisa moved away for school), we spent the first few months crying a lot while spending every moment we could on Facetime, mostly while the camera watched us do our everyday tasks (like a baby monitor of sorts).

It was really, really, hard

Living in the dark underbelly of the metaphorical rainbow twin-ship bridge exposed how close our relationship is. We’ve never existed without each other. It’s no wonder we didn’t really know how. And this is why ripping the twin separation band-aid was equally painful and crucial to our growth as people — and as twins. 

Moving to London 

This has been my dream for many years. I had to make many sacrifices to come here and live out this dream, and my family and friends back home have had to do the same. Lisa has been so supportive. Even though it was my choice to move here, she has had to suffer the pain of us being apart. Despite this, she’s always cheered me on and has put me above her own feelings and desires of wanting me home.  

We can feel the distance 

When I packed up my life to move to London, I wasn’t worried about the challenges that would come my way. I was mostly worried about how we would deal with being so far away. The timezone is one thing but being so physically far away is a hard one to swallow. As twins, we aren’t telepathic but we do have a strong energetic connection and we can feel the distance between us. 

How have we survived? 

Some days we do and sometimes we don’t. We have a strict FaceTime schedule. While I always know what she is up to and we get to see each-other’s face every day, I am missing out on the little things. Whether it’s doing groceries or cleaning the house, everything was easier when we did it together, and we made it fun. Seeing her face when I come home from work and her “bothering me” asking how my day is like a dog who’s greeted it’s owner at the door. These are the things I miss the most. 

PHOTOS BY LEANNE DIXON

Because of you, I am 

Lisa gives me life and she inspires me to be better. When life knocks me out, she is the reason I can keep going. The bond we share is forever. It’s infinite. It’s rare. I’m grateful to get to experience the magic of twin-ship.

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I ADMIT IT, THE YOGAI PRACTICE AND TEACHIS SUPER WEIRD

From the second my new colleague (who would soon be the person who introduced me to Kundalini Yoga) stepped into her new office — which was beside mine, circa '2013 — with her jars, essential oils, beads, and soft light lamps, I knew something different had swooped into my world. And it never left. 

Her name is Christine and she is the reason I tried Kundalini Yoga and became a teacher. It's funny to think of a time not long ago when yoga was considered weird. It was only for hippies, spiritual gurus, or Californians. Today, it's commonplace to hear about good 'vibes', put crystals around your room, talk about spirituality or order a turmeric latte on the way to work. 

Weirdness is a sliding scale. Everyone seems to have their own custom weirdness scale that dictates what they'll tolerate wearing, doing, listening to, and even what kind of coffee they order. I think my weirdness scale has always been a bit wider than the average one. Nothing truly shocks me and I'm actually attracted to things that are different. This is exactly how I felt during my first ever Kundalini Yoga class.

Yoga has become not only accepted in the West but has cemented itself in the health and wellness smorgasbord of endless activities we should be doing to stay healthy. But even within the widely accepted world of yoga, lies a black sheep. She's called Kundalini. 

I've talked about this yoga a lot but if you're new here, Kundalini Yoga is the type I practice and teach, and the single most important tool I use to stay happy, healthy, and quite frankly, sane. I'll put it like this. If Jane Fonda uses yoga to stay young, Russell Brand uses Kundalini Yoga to stay sober. This is not to say you need to have addiction issues to benefit from practicing this yoga, but it gives credit to how transformational it is. 

My friends can all tell when I haven't been doing my daily meditation. I certainly feel a difference. And when I'm feeling low, anxious, or overwhelmed, meditation is the first thing I turn to. I've experimented for years with ways of keeping a daily meditation habit and I finally found that doing it first thing in the morning is best. That way it's simple and easy but also forces me to prioritize it above other important morning rituals like filling in my brows or picking which shoes to wear. I'd honestly rather be eyebrow-less than have a stuffy mind. Meditation is like cleansing my mind of all the built up and swirling thoughts of the day before. It's like a mind-shower. 

 

It took me a while to get comfortable with Kundalini Yoga. The weird mantras, the turban, everyone wearing white. I understand why all these elements work and why they make the practice so powerful. I believe in the strong lineage of teachings and it's a practice that's only made my life better. Yet, I am still scared to let my flatmates hear me meditating. I keep my opening mantra super quiet. I avoid loud breathing exercises. I avoid doing meditations with a lot of mantras. I take off my turban before I come home after teaching a class. Thursdays at 8 pm at Joy Yoga in East London, y'all! 

It's not them, it's me. My flatmates are the least judgemental people and are fully supportive of my practice. And yet, I still can't just do it. Maybe I haven't fully accepted the weirder aspects that come along with this type of yoga and it's blocking my ability to be inhibited about practicing properly. 

It also flows into my work life. Sometimes, I'd love to step away and do a meditation in my office space. I also would love to run a weekly class and teach the people I work with as I think it might really help some of them. I'm scared of opening myself up to judgment. Maybe I'm not giving my flatmates and workmates enough credit. I'm the one being judgmental.

For this photoshoot, I felt like I got a little closer to this uninhibited self I idolize. I wanted to do the shoot in the place I feel farthest away from the yogi in me. The calm, happy, and loving side of me supersedes the angry, irritated and impatient me that I become the second I land at the Oxford Circus x Regent St. crossway. And yet, dressed in my yogi garb, seated in the same meditative pose I perform in my room each morning, I felt free. There were hundreds of people walking the streets and driving in their cars. I remember taking a deep breathe, closing my eyes, and repeating a mantra — one that anyone can understand: 

"This is me and I don't care what you think." 

PHOTOGRAPHY BY LEANNE DIXON

I've talked about how London is my greatest teacher and how I've never relied on my spiritual practice more than I do living here. Now I just need to embrace this part of me that I so deeply believe in and let her shine, shamelessly. 

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HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEENDLESS THINGSTO DO IN LONDON

One of the realities — and best things — about living in a city like London is the endless amounts of things to do. It’s part of the reason so many people move here. Being someone who has always worked in public relations, I’ve always been fascinated by the way London is branded. This city attracts an insane amount of tourists every year so the branding, design, and marketing must be done well. 

I’ve never found myself lacking in awareness of what’s going on in this city. Mostly due to the weekly free and gorgeously designed Time Out London magazine, Instagram accounts like the not-so-secret @Secret.London, and the advertisements literally everywhere, London does a damn good job of making it's people and visitors know what’s up.

The first few months of picking up Time Out and anxiously scrolling through the pages to see what new cool thing is going on was exciting. Over time, though, I started to notice the feeling of FOMO rising up again and again. Does anyone say FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) anymore?

The reality of working and living in London is that most weeknights I’m pretty exhausted. Although, I know this is true of my Canadian friends and may just be an adult thing. So, let’s rule the weekdays out. On weekends is when I feel acquainted with FOMO the most. Making friends in a new city isn’t the easiest thing and I struggle sometimes to want to go out and do things alone all of the time. Certain activities truly require friends. One thing being the parks in the summer when everyone gathers in clusters with picnic baskets, drinks, music, and activities.

I’ve come to learn that the best thing to do in this city is: decide. Pick something to do and do it. Having a lot of things to do and see is not a bad problem to have; it’s too much of a good thing, really. But, when you’re single and don’t have a huge friend group just yet, it’s easy to feel like everyone has someone to hang out with and it can be lonely at times. I’m lucky in the sense that my flatmates are also my friends and we hang out a lot even if it’s just at home eating popcorn and watching a movie.

Another contributor to my FOMO is when I scroll through social media. When I’m home, it’s tempting to scroll social media and that doesn’t particularly help the situation. I just have to remind myself that most of social media is where people post their highlight reel and not their real lives, just as I admittedly do. I try to keep it a bit real but I’m conscious that my life probably looks dreamier that it truly is.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY IZZY

That being said, I still walk around this city with stars in my eyes and need an occasional pinch to remind me this is real. Everyday, I find something new and get to know this place a little better. So far, my favourite museum has been the V&A museum with it’s gorgeous marble walls and sculptures. I’ve been falling a little more in love with the Marylebone area everyday as that’s where I work. Every week it seems I walk by a new little shop or community centre that I’m surprised to find. I’m still learning on a hunt for my favourite clothing stores but I do enjoy a little Brick Lane vintage shopping. 

On my current to-go list is Portobello Rd. Market in Notting Hill, Hampstead Heath (for the gorgeous nature), Museum of Brands (nerding out!), Kew Gardens (duh), and various music festivals. I also want to spend more time in East London, my original love! 

What are your favourite things to do in your city? 

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WHY I STOPPED FAST WALKING IN LONDON

I often get asked how do you like living in London? 

I frequently reply with I love it, I hate it, it's everything and anything, it's chaos, it's beauty and there's nowhere else I'd rather be at this point in my life. 

From the very first time I visited this city in 2014 to now — six months into living and working here — I've always been hyper aware of the chaos that ensues. Despite evidence stating that London remains one of the world's least dense big cities in population terms, there are still over 8.7 million people living here. Which is still six times more people than my Canadian hometown of Ottawa (1.3 million people). 

My perspective is unique — coming from THE land of vast, open spaces. Even after spending six months living in London, I am still in awe of the amount of people, the narrow streets, and THE. TUBE. 

I started to notice a trend on the streets and on the underground. 

People. 

Walking. 

Very. 

Fast. 

Whether it's on the way to work or to meet friends, switching platforms on the underground, choosing a cashier line at the grocery store, or walking running up and down the escalator. These people are SWIFT! 

At first I thought ah, they must all be very late for work or an appointment. But then I started to notice it wasn't just a few people. It was a collective rush. Every single person is LATE!? This can't be. There's no way they rush from place to place just for fun!

In London, especially within public transit, it's not uncommon to see everything and anything. I feel like I've ~almost~ seen it all but nothing amazes me more than this constant buzzing phenomenon. 

London often gets compared to its American equivalent, New York. While NYC is famous for it's fast walkers, it turns out that they've been out-run by some of the European cities. A number of years ago, a study was done that ranked the fastest walkers in the world by city. Turns out New York ranked number 8, with London at number 12, and Ottawa, Canada OF ALL PLACES actually made the list at number 20. I guess fast walking isn't such a foreign concept to this Ottawa-native after all. 

Fast walking didn't actually seem that bizarre to me until one day I noticed that I, too, was fast walking. I felt like a fish that got swept up in a school of fish in a current that I couldn't escape from. It wasn't until I was sweating and panting — after manually climbing up the entire escalator — and realizing that I wasn't late, I didn't even have a job yet, and I was rushing for no reason — that I noticed a problem. 

Here's the problem with rushing. When I rush, I become hyper focused on the destination. My brain jumps to the future. I feel anxious and nervous about not arriving at said destination on time. This can sometimes lead to a spiral of negative thinking — and coupled with the heavy breathing and lack of mindfulness — makes me feel kinda shitty. 

For what? 

Ok, I've been late. Many, many times. And I know for sure that by the time I realize I'm late, there isn't that much I can do about it. When I'm late for something, it's almost always because I took too long getting ready and lost track of time. Rushing to my destination will only ever save me minutes. Mere minutes. That's all I get. And I've gone and rushed — putting my body through stress. 

As someone who's had a history of anxiety, I've figured out that fast walking is not for me. I have to work everyday at improving my environment to be as conducive to wellness as possible. Alas, this is why I've stopped fast walking in London. 

Sometimes I get caught up in the collective wave of rushing but I'm getting better and better at stopping myself. I'm aware that when I rush, I lose touch with the present moment and I become less mindful. I forget things more easily, I stress over pointless things that are out of my control, and it makes my breath fast and shallow. And if my yoga journey has taught me anything, it's that the speed of my breath dictates the speed of my thoughts. For me, the antidote to chaotic and catastrophic thoughts is slowing down my breath. 

PHOTOGRAPHY // LEANNE DIXON 

I've talked about how London has been the best teacher for me. Living here has forced me to face myself in a way I've never had to. It's been humbling to start at square one and I've had to rely on me, myself, and I to figure this big dream out. Living and working here has brought my anxiety levels to a place I hoped I'd never see again — but it's also cemented my self-care routine to the top of my priority list. It's never been more important for me to do the things that keep me feeling well. I'm still not very good at asking for help but by doing what I can to stay well, I'm feeling better. Starting with walking at a slower, more mindful and relaxed pace. And I don't care who passes me.

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